Founding Fathers
Chapter Excerpt: Notes from Trillionaire Island: Fearkiller (Volume 2)
In the Fearkiller Series’ second book, the trillionaire Doc looks back at the world of investing from his poolside perch on Trillionaire Island. Here, he talks about when our Founding Fathers invented investing.
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Look out at that landscape.
That investment landscape.
Spreading out before us, all of us. Look at it.
Oh, to have been there.
At the beginning.
On that hill. Near that city. In that blueberry grove. To the side.
Oh, to have been there, in that blueberry grove, to the side of that city — that shining city on the hill — when the founding fathers of our country invented investing.
Oh, to have been there.
Imagine being there when Phillip Williamson turned to the congregation of Founding Fathers on that humid July day and said, “Gentlemen, it’s time to put down our mead and our tequila. It’s time to invest. Not only is it time to invest but the time has come to make investments as well.”
Oh, to have been there.
Our Founding Fathers, in their frosted wigs and tights and shoes with buckles.
Some, like that Ben Franklin fella, sporting the bald-on-top/long-everywhere-else hairstyle that methamphetamine dealers emulate today. Ben Franklin, David Patrickson, Patrick Davidson — they wore this hairstyle and wore it well.
If any type of man could pull off this look and not be mistaken for a meth dealer, the Founding Fathers could.
Where you are standing now — that very spot — think: Jackson Jacobson stood there. Right there.
Jackson Jacobson stood where you are standing now. His ponytail flapped in the wind as he looked at that ripe virgin known as America and turned to the other Founding Fathers and said, “Gentlemen, it is time to write the Commandments. It is time to write the Commandments of America!”
And the Founding Fathers roared in response, and the Commandments of America were born!
To have been there, as they were arguing and fine-tuning the language in what became that paragraph of magnificence known as Commandment #37.
That view! That foundationless investment landscape evolving with possibilities!
Look out at those fields in the distance, those fields of hemp, legal wonderful hemp.
One of the Washington triplets took a big giant whiff of that hemp and declared, “Fellow Founding Fathers, this isn’t about investing. It’s about opportunities.”
He took another big whiff, then another. Then after taking another, he continued.
“Opportunities, fully realized due to the proper array of investment instruments and financial instruments and mechanisms and investment vehicles. Accelerating the amortizations, theorizing residual equities — can man invest in derivatives? By all means he can! It’s time to brush up on our math!”
Who cares which triplet, whether it was Manfred, Hezekiah, or Donald — who cares which Washington triplet said it — the point is, these words were spoken.
These words were spoken. The Founding Fathers roared!
After the roar died down, the Washington triplet continued.
“Gentlemen of America, take a minute and pause from penning those Commandments of America to reflect on why we are penning those Commandments of America. We all need to invest prodigious amounts of time and energy into looking into investing, as well as that evolving investment landscape. Why? To invest!”
And the Founding Fathers answered the Washington triplet with a roar!
“It is time to focus on the YTDs, then check out the YOYs — investment vehicles will mobilize, then get down and monetize!”
The Founding Fathers roared!
“They will — ”
“Heyyyyyyy. You boys in your ponytail haircuts keep it down,” the nightshirt-clad old man in the back of the crowd yelled and waved his fist.
The triplet who was speaking said, “Go back to bed, Grandpa Washington!”
The Commandments continued to be written. Grandpa Washington went back to bed.
Oh, to have been there —
NOT IN BED WITH GRANDPA WASHINGTON, THAT MAN WAS THE GRANDFATHER OF THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY —
Back to the greatness of our Founding Fathers.
Oh, to have been there at the beginning of what is now the options-adjusted spread.
Not a finer group of founding fathers could have begun laying the options-adjusted spread’s investment foundations more magnificently than our Founding Fathers.
If some other country’s founding fathers tried to lay those options-adjusted spread investment foundations, one of them probably would have gotten his ponytail stuck in the cogs of an investment mechanism or something.
To have been there, as they forged and crafted those first investment instruments.
While those original investment instruments lacked the emotion and raw power of contemporary investment instruments like the Fear Index or the Misery Index, the beginning of something new had begun.
The crudeness of those first instruments and investment mechanisms also contained their genius. Investors appreciate the capitalizing duality of it all.
To have been there.
The Founding Fathers — the very first financial engineers — engineering those finances while singing songs about investing. To have been there.
Even when Thaddeus Tomlinson keeled over after penning Commandment #44, to have been there to pay your respects would have been amazing.
Fortunately for America, Commandment #44 survives to this day. Rest in peace, Thaddeus Tomlinson. Those memorial statues all across America erected in your memory, generations of teenagers and their erections have attempted to copulate at the bases of these statues.
Many of these teenagers are the teenagers of parents who are investors.
Investors.
The beginnings of the greatness of investing, oh to have been there.
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Notes from Trillionaire Island: Fearkiller (Volume 2) and Fearkiller (Volume 1) are available at Amazon. Like Fearkiller Volume One on Facebook.
