Fox News America won’t get the civil war it wants. Just the civil war it deserves.

Part 1: Passive-aggression is the new aggression.

Also posted at chrismaley.com.

NEWSFLASH:

This “war” thingie that draft-dodging chickenhawks, nationalist pundits and angry ammosexuals keep harping about? It’s kind of already begun.

Kind of.

Just need to rephrase your concept of “war,” take it from “war war” to “cold war”.

America isn’t at war war with itself. The stink in the air feels more like a cold war. War war utilizes aggression. The climate these days reinvents the idea of passive-aggression.

Looking back a few decades, the Cold War consisted of two enemies who, technically, weren’t allowed to shoot first. So instead, the Soviet Union and the United States antagonized the snot out of one another in their quest to answer the question of who was better: capitalists or communists?

(The verdict is still out on that one.)

In international waters — places where both sides were allowed to sail — American and Soviet warships and aircraft got in each other’s ways, cut ships and planes off, “tested” their targeting systems by aiming them at the opposing side. All in an attempt to get the other ship to cross the line. While no one had the authority to fire first, both sides could retaliate if they were attacked.

Yes, the Cold War was nothing but an ultra-expensive game of chicken that left only environmental damage and dysfunctional third-world governments in its wake.

The creepy thing, though, is that the Cold War has infected the American white male psyche. Back in the days that MAGA pines for, white fellas handled their business. These days, as much as MAGA disagrees, modern masculinity is all about finding sly ways to get away with tattling.

Another piece of 1950s’ nostalgia fits our modern times. Eddie Haskell from “Leave It to Beaver” is now the standard for masculinity. The Americans thirsting for this “civil war” (quotes intended to convey sarcasm here) are also too unmotivated to join the military and idolize the get-rich-quick mentality instead of roll-up-the-sleeves-and-work.

In another blog piece I wrote that white America does not want a “civil war.” It wants to call 911. Not much has changed in the few days since I wrote that piece. GI Bro still wants to sic the police force it spent decades weaponizing on liberals and brown folks.

It’s fitting that these simpletons idolize billionaires. The fellas want to “fight” this new “civil war” the way that a rich fella would: by getting some other sap to put their hide on the line while the fella watches the carnage on Fox News, reclining in his easy chair and yelling at his wife to bring him another sammich. Billionaires robbed white male America of its manhood. Now white male America is compensating by rewriting the rules of manhood to center around billionaire-like traits. People who earn way too much money via passive-income streams have convinced financially-strapped people that generating passive income is hard work. White male America believes this nonsense and internalizes the guilt-trips laid on them. And, right when white male America feels like the weight of living up to the expectations of the job creators is too great, white male America thinks, “Whoa…it would be awesome to call 911 on some black guy right now. That makes me sound powerful like a billionaire, right?”

Younger white fellas think their genetic connection to some old guy who fought in WWII exempts them from military service, but entitles them to play soldier with its weaponry. Older white fellas are too busy getting diseases like diabeetus because they let billionaires gamble away their health care.

World: the Americans who harp about a civil war are some of the most un-warlike individuals this country has ever produced. Their fevered rhetoric is pathetic.

True aggression is cool. These fellas are full of nothing but pent-up rage.

The bros aren’t shy about their chickenhawk natures, either. They tout their ownership of the police force in arguments a little too often nowadays. They really, really, really love their doomsday device.

“Yeah, lib…wait ’til I call the cops on you — owning you!”

Really? You’ll call the cops on me just like your grand-dad called the cops on the Germans in Dubya-Dubya Two?

I’m calling it here, calling it now. If the Fox News type of war actually happens, white folks will be earning medals for calling the police.

But these chickenhawks don’t deserve a war. Just the truth.

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This series continues at chrismaley.com. Read Part II.

My new book, Revolutionizer Alpha, is available.