These are dark and douchey times, Part II.

Chris Maley
4 min readApr 30, 2022
The tucker has carlsoned, yes it has.

Part I.
“S&P 500 companies plowed around $880 billion into buying their own shares last year, up from $520 billion in 2020, according to S&P Dow Jones Indices.”
— Reuters


Darkness. Doucheosity. The stench is everywhere. The dark in the douche and the douche in the dark.

You can’t run. You can’t hide. You can’t spray it with syphilis-spray because syphilis-spray has yet to be invented.

Words are hard to use when describing its insidious hold. Sentences hint at the extent of its reach, yet still fall short.

But something else can help describe the problem. And describe it effectively.

I got fired from a publicly-traded company. I so get this chart.

I’m talking about graphs, muthafuckas. Graphs.

And charts.

Graphs and charts possess the power to express it all, in all of its predatory glory.

Bar graphs. Pie charts. Line graphs. Line charts. 3D graphic-charts — yes, my dudes and dudettes: multi-dimensioned graphic-charts. Let that idea sink in.

Symbol-filled charts or symbol-free charts? Yes. The answer is yes. It doesn’t matter.

The same goes with graphs.

Graphs is graphs. Charts is charts. Numbers don’t lie. And nothing makes numbers look pretty like graphs and charts.

Look! Over there — is that a graph…or is it a chart???

Sometimes, it’s best to not know these things. Just allow that visual representation to exist.

While charts and graphs can utilize the power of bright and friendly colors to go all charty-graphic on us, colors aren’t necessary. That’s the fantastical pow-pow of charts and graphs.

Chart- and graph-makers have the opportunity to use shades of gray, or a variety of cross-hatch-patterns — I say plot with abandon. It’s like Bob Ross painting nature: just place that happy, little eight-point-type citation wherever you think that it needs to live…though the lower-right-hand corner tends to be the standard.

Before MAGA and QAnon, there was Doc.

Still, it’s your chart or graph.

All that matters is this: the charts must chart and the graphs must graph.

I could be a scientist. I so could.

Besides charts and graphs, now we have infographics filled with factoids. Yeah…just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, new comprehension aids come along to help expose those subtle connections between darkaciousness and douchetasticity.

Infographics jam-packed with factoids that should piss off any person with a conscience are good to use if you don’t have a chart or graph handy.

As you take in their sheer power, reflect on the fact that graphs, charts, and infographs didn’t exist at earlier points in humanity’s time on this planet.

Ever seen a bar chart on a cave wall? No. Our smelly, dumb-ass ancestors were too busy drawing wildebeests and plants and shit.

These handpicked charts, graphs, and infographics full of factoids do a nice job of explaining the problem, don’t you agree?

These are unprecedented times, you know.

I don’t know if you have heard that statement before, but it’s true.

Part I.
Articles where I found these charts and graphs: 1, 2, 3.
Some earlier posts of mine:
Fuck customers. The investor is always right.
The four horseshits of the apocalypse.
Bros: America’s new Jews, part V.
Jonas Salk: what a pussy.
When terms don’t mean what they seem to mean.
Bury Rush Limbaugh in Arlington National Cemetery. Own the libs.
Understand the “America” in “Make America Great Again.” Watch the movie Porky’s.

I also write fiction. I have two dark comedies available, Fearkiller (Volume 1) and Notes from Trillionaire Island: Fearkiller (Volume 2), as well as Revolutionizer Alpha, the first book in a sci-fi series. I also wrote a story about God. It was weird, but then I decided to make the story and its sequel free. And all of the sudden, it didn’t seem as weird. Writing about God is much less weird when you write about God without charging money for it.
My site.



Chris Maley

I pay bills writing Websites, articles, ads, etc. Author of the Fearkiller dark comedy series. Check out my new book, Revolutionizer Alpha.